It had been a quiet sort of day, the kind where everything seems to slow down, take a long breath and exhibit the feeling of release after pent up energy is given course.
There was a release, though not a very healthy one. I am ashamed to have momentarily lost my connection to ‘The Sage’ inside. She who retains humility, yields against the force of the ego, embraces calm and unveils inner truth.
I gave in, to frustration, fear and my desire to just have it my way! Or rather, have it over. A battle of wills, waged with a four year old over taking the other half of a pill, the former having gone down like it was only the almond milk that chased it. It could be just as easy as her DECIDING to do it. All the more fuel for the fiery tantrum I was to throw…. you’d think I was the four year old…. poor dear… she didn’t deserve it.
No, it’s not a matter of deserving, obviously an adult shouting at a child is always unwarranted, it’s a matter of not taking out personal shortcomings, no matter how momentary, upon others. Most assuredly, not our beloved babes…. though it never ceases to amaze me the malleable yielding that gifts the very young. They express and deal with the moment and hold no further investment in it once it’s over. It’s inspiring and note worthy. There is no judgement, resentment or lack of wanting to share love when it’s over. Amazing.
Again my mantra, “There must be a better way.”
I ask myself how it is possible that our choices involve forcing her against her will, or letting the illness take her from this world. It doesn’t make sense. Why do we think her will is available to force? Because she is a child? Does that make her any less of a human? Does that lessen her desire for happiness and avoidance of pain? Is she not a love light being as we all are?
How many times in my own life did another attempt to impose their will upon my own? Asserting that it was for ‘my own good’? What defines my good? ME!
The same is true for her. Yes, she needs ALOT of guidance. But guiding another is a far cry from controlling them. I respect my children’s inner knowing. When they say they are not tired at ‘bed time,’ I don’t make them go to bed, telling them they ‘need’ sleep, when they are clearly not tired, even if it is after 10pm! Just because I think they should be, does NOT make it so.
I know I hate lying in bed when sleep is elusive, so why then would I choose to force it? For MY convenience. Because perhaps, I’d just like to be done for the day? That behavior does not resonate well with me. I CANNOT KNOW another’s mind. Nor can I KNOW their body better then they themselves do. I can only intuit needs as THEY allow. Just because her vocabulary limits her identifying what’s up, doesn’t mean she doesn’t know. I like to give my children the opportunity to dazzle me with the brilliance they embody. If I pay close enough attention, they never let me down.
What then does it teach Nyah when we force her into painful procedures? That she can not trust us to keep her from pain. What does she learn when we force her to take ‘medication’ she ‘needs’? That she can trust us to ignore her desires and HER OWN INTUITION.
I feel we are facilitating our own demise as parents…. ‘in the name of what’s best?’
Will we ever be able to HEAL this?
Will she choose to forgive….?
Will she choose us in the end….?